rerererepeat

fuck. i got a facebook message last night from a friend of sam's. i had never heard of her, and she lives in new york, i think (assumed from her facebook profile), and she didn't know about sam. i guess she went on his facebook since it was his birthday and got confused. so she must have googled "samuel colquitt" and found one of sean's blog posts about his death. so she wrote to me (i guess just bc i was one of the people who had written on his wall?) and asked what happened. i wrote her back, and tried to explain in enough but not too much detail. i had to go back through his note, which i had let fall behind my desk because i didn't want to have to see it, to make sure he didn't mention her. he didn't, which is kind of good because i really didn't want to type his words. that is too much for me.
so now mallory is going through what we went through when it happened. only it is six months later and no one is going through it with her. i know we are all still grieving, and a little shocked sometimes that it's true, but literally no one but her is dealing with just learning of his death besides her. fuck that sucks. and she's far away so it's not like anyone she knows knew him. (i don't know how they knew each other, but she said they talked online and on the phone (about cats of course).)
personally, it brought me back to that night and the next day. when i called everyone i could think of from high school to tell them what happened. and when i had to tell my fucking brother about it. actually i guess i did tell him first but he was mostly asleep so he just thought our friends had turned into candy. i suppose shaina actually broke the news to him. but the way i experienced it, i told him, and at the same time i didn't want to tell anyone ever again, and i wanted to be the one to tell everyone. that is, i wanted to tell everyone from high school because i couldn't stand it if one of them heard from an indirect source.
i know it was inevitable that we didn't know every single one of sam's friends. he had a lot of friends. but i am sad that this mallory didn't know. i told her to call me so we can talk about it. i don't know how it's going to go, because i have healed a lot since, and i also still hurt a lot.

this was a really sad second post, i know, but that's the way it is.
today might be a better day. how 'bout it!

i'll try to think of really nice fun things to write about tomorrow, to cheer me (and probably you, after reading this post) up.